Curse

zehly · Sep 12, 2005, 01:48 AM // 01:48

To my Friends on GWG,

First off, I'm ok now. I spent Friday and Saturday night at the Memorial Regional Medical Center in Richmond, VA. I suffered from an overdose on Tylonal and Ambien. When I arrived in the ambulance, I was apparantly unconcious and not breathing. I had to have a "endotracheal" tube inserted down my throat so I could breathe. I know at some point I was vomiting. They told me I'm lucky I made it. They released me into the care of one of my college friends, who is here in my apartment now.

The truth of the matter is, I could have died. I don't think I really wanted to die. I think I wanted an easy escape. I'm not sure. Unfortunately, I cannot imagine what it means to not exist anymore. All that was going through my mind was, "if I die, I can be with Eileen." That might have been the case. I don't know.

I know I still feel pretty worn out, tired, and sick from the past two days. I'm sure I deserve it for being stupid. But I'm glad that I went to the hospital.

The more I think about it the worse I feel. I feel like I let you all down, and you are going to hate me for it. I know that when I came back on, I had emails from many of you.

I'm glad that you all care about me. But I'm a very insecure girl, and stubborn, too. I miss Eileen a lot, but I know that if it were me in her position, I would want her to live her life out.

You all showed me that there are people out there, good people, that care about others, so much so that they care about the ones they don't know. And that means a lot to me. I'm sorry I let you all down.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm still fairly drugged up from the hospital, so I have this almost existential feeling. But I deserve it. I know that wherever Eileen is, I put her through a lot of pain, and I'm truely sorrowful for having done that to her, and to all of you, the ones who have shown me so much support.

I still don't know what to make of the message I've gotten from people telling me to get off my lazy butt and do something, to pick myself up from the ground. I'm starting to think these are just the ill-meant comments from those who have nothing better to do than prey on the feelings of someone already on edge. But, as usual, things like this will just push me further away from trusting people, something that I already have enough troubles with.

For now, I really don't know what to do to "get over it" (the death of Eileen), or if I can ever really "get over it." I suppose the only thing that I can do is turn the thoughts of loss into memories of love, something that is increadibly hard for me to do.

I hope that I'll still be allowed to stay on the boards, and talk to you guys, if you would that I do so. I can understand if you want me to go away (this wouldn't be the first time), but I really like it here.

After carefully thinking of something to say to those that have told me "LOL THIS IS A GAME FORUM U DONT POST YOUR PROBLMS HERE STFU," I have decided not to stoop down to their level and post back the kind of sarcasm that 20 years of pain have taught me. All I can say is this: I don't think any forum community would really be able to call itself a community without having some kind of social connections between the users. I don't know how to say that right, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

To the people who have flamed me in the past, and who will flame me in the future: Thank you. I appreciate the fact that you take the time to grace me with your ever-so-intelligent words. You really show your inner self. Not just to me, but to the community, and ultimately the world. With that said, I realize that taking everything said to me for true make me vulnerable, something that I have always feared. To the people who take advantage of someone vulnerable and use it for your own pleasure, you are ... I don't think I can say it.

I'm alive, and right now, I'm pretty glad to be alive. I think it will be a long time before I can feel like Lain again. I don't think I will ever feel complete without Eileen, but I think that's how true love is supposed to be.

To those who have supported me, and I won't name you, because you know who you are, I want to tell you how sorry I am for being so selfish, and I want to thank you for putting up with me, and for caring (and for some, possibly loving) me.

Um, I'm not sure what else to say, except that I hope one day I can be normal again.

~Lain

chris_nin00 · Sep 12, 2005, 01:53 AM // 01:53

Shiznit.... welcome back.

Make sure you get some friends...like all of us. and remember what I said.

You can always come to my house.
2027A King Cobra Ct.
Hampton, Va 23665
Ask for C-dawg.

PS. You are just as normal as me. And I dislike hospitals.

Joke of the day: Why did the pope cross the road?

Cause he crosses everything.

Aracos79 · Sep 12, 2005, 01:56 AM // 01:56

It's so good to see and hear from you again Zehly. You do have friends here and people who care about you. Very few of us can truly understand what you are experiencing, but we want to help. If you need to talk, but don't want to open a thread for fear of inconsiderate trolls, you can always PM me. I'm sure many others would offer the same. We're all glad you're still with us. God be with you, and stay strong.

Manderlock · Sep 12, 2005, 01:58 AM // 01:58

Holy hell, Ive been worryed.

Really

chris_nin00 · Sep 12, 2005, 02:01 AM // 02:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manderlock

Holy hell, Ive been worryed.

Really

Me too... all those sleepless nights.

Sanji · Sep 12, 2005, 02:03 AM // 02:03

I don't hate you, zehly. I'm glad you're alive.

ExplosiveBadger · Sep 12, 2005, 02:04 AM // 02:04

I wanna let you know, suicide isn't the way to go. And if you did go through it I probably would have lost a lot of respect for you. Lifes short and if you're going to decide to end it yourself that is just plain stupid. I'm glad to hear you're healthy. After reading the last thread you made I was just shocked at what I was reading. Get well soon zehly!

Synthos · Sep 12, 2005, 02:06 AM // 02:06

Common guys.. Mabey you haven't had someone close to you do this because it changes your views. I had an exgirlfriend try to do this and she almost died, it really puts perspective on things. Im glad you made it through it all, hopefully it made you a little bit wiser.

Recently i had a girl at my appartment i saw laying dead on the pavement after she fell 9 stories. Death seems so distant to us all, but when its right in front of you you cant avoid it. So show some respect

Suicide is not a cowerdly thing to do at all.. Try putting a gun to your head right now and pulling the trigger. Cant do it? ...Coward. Its a very brave thing and i could never do it myself.

PieXags · Sep 12, 2005, 02:07 AM // 02:07

If you'd wanted to die, you would have. You're here because somewhere in your being you wanted to be here, and here you are. Take care of yourself. If you want to talk to someone, find someone to talk to. Even Pie, if it means anything.

Good luck with your recovery.

ExplosiveBadger · Sep 12, 2005, 02:08 AM // 02:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synthos

Common guys.. Mabey you haven't had someone close to you do this because it changes your views. I had an exgirlfriend try to do this and she almost died, it really puts perspective on things. Im glad you made it through it all, hopefully it made you a little bit wiser.

Recently i had a girl at my appartment i saw laying dead on the pavement after she fell 9 stories. Death seems so distant to us all, but when its right in front of you you cant avoid it. So show some respect

Suicide is not a cowerdly thing to do at all.. Try putting a gun to your head right now and pulling the trigger. Cant do it? ...Coward.

Are you reffering to my post? You probably are but I always like to make sure.

Synthos · Sep 12, 2005, 02:11 AM // 02:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by ExplosiveBadger

Are you reffering to my post? You probably are but I always like to make sure.

Indirectly.. Sort of generalizing.

ExplosiveBadger · Sep 12, 2005, 02:14 AM // 02:14

Oh alright, i'll try to keep this a bit short or whatever. Won't turn this thread into some sort of debate. I don't think it's cowardly at all, it must take a lot of guts to take your own life. But in the long run all it says is you couldn't handle life because of that feeling you have. Everyone loses sombody very close to them and people always talk about it. They get over the gigantic hurdle and theres always the feeling that they won't. I had it even. Suicide isn't the way to go no matter how you justify it. Life is precious.

Manderlock · Sep 12, 2005, 02:16 AM // 02:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by PieXags

If you'd wanted to die, you would have. You're here because somewhere in your being you wanted to be here, and here you are. Take care of yourself. If you want to talk to someone, find someone to talk to. Even Pie, if it means anything.

Good luck with your recovery.

Not true, sometimes people truly want to die, but are then saved through the actions of others.

EDIT: Dont even start badger, please

PieXags · Sep 12, 2005, 02:17 AM // 02:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manderlock

Not true, sometimes people truly want to die, but are then saved through the actions of others.

I never said they didn't. I specified my comments to refer to her, and only her.

Aracos79 · Sep 12, 2005, 02:18 AM // 02:18

Folks... let's not debate whether suicide is easy or not, or whether people are "meant" to die. Such things are the realm of the philosophers and theologians. Let's just be grateful that Zehly is still with us, and give her the support she needs to live her life to the fullest.

Manderlock · Sep 12, 2005, 02:19 AM // 02:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aracos79

Folks... let's not debate whether suicide is easy or not, or whether people are "meant" to die. Such things are the realm of the philosophers and theologians. Let's just be grateful that Zehly is still with us, and give her the support she needs to live her life to the fullest.

Agreed

ExplosiveBadger · Sep 12, 2005, 02:20 AM // 02:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aracos79

Folks... let's not debate whether suicide is easy or not, or whether people are "meant" to die. Such things are the realm of the philosophers and theologians. Let's just be grateful that Zehly is still with us, and give her the support she needs to live her life to the fullest.

Yeah sorry. Didn't mean to hijack the thread Zehly. Get rest I suppose.

seraphite86 · Sep 12, 2005, 02:27 AM // 02:27

Though the fact that I don't know you doesn't mean I've been a part of these kind of situations. So far I've known two people that have attempted to take themselves. I, myself, love those two very much and I have always supported them through all they're troubles. I'm sure you have plenty of friends you look up to for help. I know trusting someone can be difficult. I've listened to both of my friends. I did everything I could to motivate them. Now we're all in college and I was proud to see them both leave for different states with a radiant self-esteem.

I know how that is when you lose a good friend. I had a friend that died in a car accident. None of us took it so easily especially when we only had one and a half month left before graduating. Death is pretty hard on you nonetheless but you will always have to carry on. We are all different in handling situations but you can't always grasp on to something and live with it. Easier said than done, I know. I learned the hard way.

F**k those ignorant fools that flame you. We all express sadness, grief, etc. in different ways. Even some of you gamers are guilty in expressing things in-game. What do you think is worse? Taking it out on random players on Counter-Strike or a forum with a handful people you're aquatinted with?

This may not be a moving post but I am a big supporter for survivors. Everyone doesn't deserve to ruin themselves. Honestly, if you know someone right now that is pretty down, give them a hug or something. It may make a difference.

Link Ironhammer · Sep 12, 2005, 02:34 AM // 02:34

Zehly, I don't know u, all i know is i know u from ur posts. Your stories touch me, though i am only an 8th grader i have lost many friends and family in my lifetime. I am praying that my grandfather who has lung cancer will be with me a little longer. I have been keeping up with the hurricane relief in New Orleans, there is cause for hope they are saying that the draining of the city won't take as long as they thought!! I talk about it almost everyday with my class(my teacher has friends down there). I am planing to donate 50 to the hurricane fund at my school. I can understand why u wanted to die. When Eileen died you must have felt like your life was over(believe me i have felt like that), and all you could think of doing was killing yourself. I don't mean to judge you and if u are offended by it then I am sorry.

Dame&Beast · Sep 12, 2005, 02:36 AM // 02:36

Glad to hear that you are okay sunshine

You had alot of people worried about you

Keep your head up! It gets better.